Sofia's blog

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To live in peace and in harmony are two very important values in my life.  When confronted in a situation in which either one or both of them are jeopardized, I will try my utmost to regain balance at all cost in order to return to that state of peace and harmony.  I have lately been pondering on the question whether what I value very much is more a “mind” thing or if they truly come from my heart.   If they come from my mind, then they are more concepts that nurture my ego, concepts that make me feel like a “better person” and again, to feel like a better person is what my ego wants.  It becomes a vicious circle from which I do not want to step out because that would mean that I would be stepping out of my comfort zone.  This ego of mine can be at times very tricky and make me believe that those values come from my heart which would in turn make me feel like a truly peace-loving and harmonious person and thus feeding itself with theoretical make-believe sentiments.  This may sound like a self-criticism mumbo jumbo and perhaps it is that and nothing more.  Or, could it be that after all the years of living a more spiritual life I have reached a point in which these values have become a norm as a matter of course?

A few weeks ago my husband and I were involved in a situation in which a person attacked us verbally in a very rude manner from the very beginning of the argument for something that could have been solved in a much more calm and polite way.  His verbal attacks were so full of negative energy that my immediate rection was to stay away from him.  We tried very hard to ignore his attacks, but the more we tried, the worse they got.  At some point I tried to reason with him in a coherent manner, but that only infuriated him all the more.  We could not understand what was going on in that man’s mind.  Had I only stepped out of the acting role for a few seconds, taken a couple of deep breaths and looked at it all from the observer’s perspective, perhaps the incident could have had a different ending!  I could have sensed that this person was trying by all means to crush our egos for the sake of it.  He seemed to be enjoying every minute of it, believing that by getting the police involved they would crush us all the way to the very end, but his plan backfired.  This of course frustrated his ego so much that to this day he threatens my husband directly via e-mail, sending them to his office.  Not succumbing to fear, we opted to ignore his threats.

Ever since that day, I have been questioning myself, thinking about the ego and trying to find inner peace.  What is it that we (or I) have to learn from all this? Am I really, honestly, a peaceful and harmonious person from the heart or is it my ego wanting me to believe that I am so?  I ask myself these questions because while the incident was taking place, I lost my heart center and my ego took over, my reactions were egoic, separate from whom I “thought” I was.  So my question is, who am I?